I just -had- to alter this to fit the Xani followup.
I think I've caught a cold. Generally, crying yourself to sleep in the cold kitchen. Maybe I should go get something from the healers tomorrow. Bant says that if I don't put on some extra outer robes tonight, I'll sound like a Nerf in heat. And Bant's a light sleeper, so I have to try to keep quiet while I'm writing.
Everything feels like my fault, honestly. I can tolerate whatever Qui-Gon Jinn throws at me. Honestly, I can. He is my Master, after all, and it's not my place to complain in his household, despite how he treats me... Or despite how he never notices how much I love him.
Force, I'm really confused. Part of me wants to run back to Qui-Gon and apologize for all the trouble I've caused between him and Xani, but part of me knows
that it's his fault I'm in his mess right now.
I really don't know.
I woke up on my bed. Funny, I don't remember falling asleep there. Xani probably carried me: Qui-Gon wouldn't do that, and Ani simply isn't strong enough. Besides , there's that trace of the cologne Xan uses, the one that makes him smell like a mixture of chai, grass and Dagobah. I woke up to the sound of Xani arguing with Qui-Gon. And I started crying again. Everything felt like it was my fault again. Xani was mad with Qui-Gon because of me, and Qui-Gon was mad with Xani because he was standing up for me. I could see the two of them standing in the living room, looking like they were ready to murder each other at any moment. Two of the people that I love the most, fighting because of me.
I couldn't take it. Xani didn't need to go through this for me. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't even Qui-Gon's. It was mine. It was my fault for being stupid enough to fall asleep on the 'fresher. I should have at least moved to my room. I wanted to sleep, to just forget about this entire Force-forsaken night. But the Temple just can't make walls these days.
'Yes, Master, that is what we are: Padawans. Not teenagers. Not teenagers, not children. Not people for you to play favourites, or to shield, or to hold hands with. Padawans.'
That did it. Xani's one comment did it. I just couldn't take it any more. I fumbled for the switch and powered up my lights. I knew that Xan would understand what I meant. He always does. Then I just collapsed on the bed silently sobbing.
Xan appeared in my doorway, and I had to wipe my tears. I couldn't show him how weak I was. No, not after all that he has done for me. His eyes were still grim, but his voice was gentle. At that time, even if he hadn't asked if I had wanted to stay at Bant's for the night, I would have asked.
But Xani's always been the one who understands me the most. Sometimes I wonder whether Qui-Gon's worth it when Xani's available.